It’s been a well-known online tactic for years- someone decides that they ain’t gettin’ the respect they feel they deserve in an particular community or forum, and they post thusly:

"I’m through with ya’ll- I’m outta here! Don’t try to stop me! I’m leaving- I swear! Don’t bother begging me to stay- because I ain’t listening- no sir! I’m walking out the door, right now! You’ll be sorry, when I’m gone! Just you watch! I’m… Leaving… NOW!”

Invariably, the person in question comes slinking back, six months later, when the sudden explosion of sympathetic e-mails fails to materialize, and they’re back to square one…

I’ve seen it happen dozens of times, and it’s always an annoying spectacle. I’d rather that the person in question paint their sorry ass purple, and post a video of themselves on YouTube shooting themselves in the head- that way, they make less of an idiot of themselves, and there’s visual evidence that the annoyance is well and truly gone from this world.

That having been said, I find myself in a somewhat different mindset than I was, one month ago, when I said I would be jerking Bushflash offline. Don’t get me wrong- I’m still utterly disappointed where the site is, and what is has become, but well- let’s start at the beginning…

I wanted (and still want) Bushflash to be far more than it is. In light of my continued inability to produce new animations, I had already swallowed a bitter pill in admitting to myself that Bushflash was now a blog- just another cheap soapbox for an armchair pundit from Jersey to spout off, once in a while. As the old adage goes, “opinions are alike assholes- everyone’s got one.” I still can’t see my paltry opinions worthy of any special notice, and in continuing to ramble on as I do, I felt I was becoming another online rant machine like Alex Jones or Matt Drudge- and the thought of that made me want to slit my wrists.

Yes- people have written to me- students, servicepeople in Iraq, and people over twice my age, lauding my commentary (yeah, in this case, for lack of a better, scatological term, I’ll use “commentary’...) I won’t lie and say it didn’t give me an ego-boo from time to time- but I want Bushflash to be better than just that. I have consistently stated, since day one of this site’s creation, that I don’t consider this site to be “mine”- I believe it belongs to you- the visitor, and I wanted you to be a part of it.

I wander around sites like BradBlog and Crooks And Liars (two sites that were but a glint in a geek’s eye, when I started Bushflash three years ago), and see how they’ve become dynamic, all-inclusive sites that allow others to participate, post, blog, and comment. I saw how these sites were harnessing the power of Content Management Systems to allow other people to dynamically add content, and allow the sites to become truly (small-d) democratic. These sites soared into the realm of tens of thousands of hits a day, while Bushflash began an unprecedented collapse in traffic.

I clearly saw that Bushflash, despite its relative age, had become a relic. Determined to figure out this new CMS thing, so that Bushflash could be more than just one guy (me) ranting away in the darkness. I spent three months trying to figure out CMS, MySQL, Mambo, WordPress, and the rest of alla that stuff, and for the life of me, I couldn’t figure it out- the mechanics of CMS are like greek crossed with mayan hieroglyphs, to me- maybe I’m just old. When I tried to get help via message boards, I’d get insults from 12-year-old web developers to whom this stuff was second nature, deriding me as “clearly an idiot.”

I’m reminded of the scene in “Duck Soup”, when Rufus T. Firefly is presented with a document by one of his underlings:

Underling: “Please take a look at this report, Mr Firefly- it’s very simple…”
Firefly: “Simple? Indeed- why, this is so simple, a child could understand it!”
Underling: “Very good, Mr. Firefly.”
Firefly (aside, to another aide:) “Go get a child to explain it to me- I can’t make heads or tails of this!”

Alas, after repeated attempts to find someone to give me assistance in setting up a CMS, I got nothing. I offered money- 200 bucks (hardly a paltry sum) for someone to set up a template from which I could work and learn- the silence was deafening…

Well- not exactly deafening- one or two folks stepped forward, but after six months of promises and friendly bi-monthly e-mails, pleading a lack of time to dedicate to the project, Bushflash was still just me- traffic continued to decline, and the site was every bit as undemocratic as it had ever been.

When I looked into the future, I could only see Bushflash becoming less and less relevant, less and less inclusive, and (as web tech continued to proceed apace, ahead of my ability to understand it) just damned clunky and primitive.

As much as I loved (and continue to love) running the site- such a future was just too depressing. All the encouraging e-mails in the world couldn’t dissuade me from seeing (cynically) that I was slowly turning into the internet equivalent of a mad homeless guy, ranting on a streetcorner. (Yeah, Coulter, Drudge, and O’reilly are pretty much the same- but I’d like to think I have a bit more pride and integrity, than to turn into one of THEM.)

So- I made the decision- if Bushflash couldn’t be all it could be, it might as well cease to be. I made an announcement, on June 29th, that Bushflash was to be shut down, forevermore.

In the wake of this announcement, I wrote a few articles detailing why this had to happen. I felt resolute in my decision, and in writing these articles, I was exploring my own mental proceses, to a depth that I had not in quite some time. I guess in writing them, I was psychoanalyzing myself. While I’m prone to introspection (to a fault), I rarely take the opportunity to step outside of myself, and view things objectively. While I might cast my ascerbic literary urges at Bush and company, I admit that I have not often done the same to myself.

The first two articles went well, but then, one night, I tried to write one about how important it was that people- everyday, average people, stand up and speak their mind about what’s going on, and that they didn’t need me to prod them into action. I started writing, and realized- damn- if on one hand, I’m urging people to stand up and speak up, and on the other, shutting down the one example I have to show to the world of the importance of this act, I’m being hypocritical.

I erased everything I had written, and started anew:

Bushflash isn't exceptional, in any way- there are sites that do what I do, far better, on a more reliable basis, and with higher quality than I can ever hope to provide. I never pretended to be a news source...

A strike from a clear, blue sky- CNN, NBC, ABC, CBS, and Fox "news" have a far better information-gathering resources than I do, and well, they fail utterly, as "information resources." These news organizations are all too happy to parrot administration talking points- and well- you never know what's gonna come down the pike, when it comes to progressive news sites, come the next crisis-du-jour.

I still remember, as clear as day, when Media Whores Online, an organization that had true-blue credentials when it came to reportage of this administration's crimes, turned into a steadfast neo-fascist Bush cheerleader, in the days following 9/11- posting articles saying that it was time for people like you and me to shut up, and fall in line. The stories about that site's demise are legion- but they signed their own death warrant, the day they decided to become yet another turncoat Bush mouthpiece...

Who is to say that there won't come a time in which Crooks and Liars, Bradblog, or (god forbid) Kos will suddenly decide that it is in their best interests to "come to jesus"?

In light of this all too-real possibility, isn't it incumbent upon those who who can speak out, to do so, whenever they can?

Oops- I was being a hypocrite, again...

I erased everything I wrote- I was getting shaky- my reasoning was falling to tatters.

I started anew:

Ahem- uhh- It’s up to you, every, last one of you, to stand up against this encroaching tyranny, and do whatever you can to spread the word. I’ll always remember an interview Kucinich once gave, in which he was asked by a student:

‘the problems we face are so large, so overwhelming- what can I do?’

Kucinich responded: "You’ve already answered your own question- you reached out to me- just keep doing that- reach out to your friends- your co-workers, your family. It’s up to each and every one of as, as Americans, to win the war of public opinion- we can’t leave it up to the media- we have to do it ourselves…"

DOH! I was back in hypocrisy-land. How the hell could I part with a dissertation on the importance of people speaking out, when I was declaring my intention to shut up?

I reatreated from my keyboard, and spent the next couple of days thinking…

Okay- maybe Bushflash can’t be what I want it to be- maybe it never will- but does that mean that it is inherently worthless? There are folks who throw twice as much effort into sites and blogs that get one-tenth the traffic Bushflash does, and they don’t give up- they fight the good fight, damn the consequences. Dick Eats Bush gets a fraction of  the traffic I do, and this guy keeps producing video after astoundingly creative video. Hategun creates video that is lightyears beyond anything that I could produce, yet gets 1/100th of the recognition it deserves.

Do these people give up? Do they falter, do they waver? No, no, and HELL no. We all do what we can- it doesn't matter if we're top-of-the-crop in CMS tech- it doesn't matter whether or not we are making as much from blogads as we would like. It doesn't matter whether our site shows up on Alexa, or we get a writeup from this or that current "trend-du-hour" media, or (god help us) the idiots in washington pay attention to our efforts.

What matters is that we're here- that we bear witness to the atrocities that play out before our eyes, and refuse to stay silent, so that we might lay the foundations to a better world. It might not come in our lifetimes, true- but in this struggle- there are two alternatives- silence and death, or robust action and hope.

In light of this- can I give up?

No- I can’t.

I guess I’m like the pesky, errant newsgroup member who threatened a quick exit, but when confronted with the true import of a total divorce, found himself unable to go through with it.

Instead of pulling Bushflash offline totally, it will go into remission, for a month. During this month, I will not watch one minute of news- including Olberman, Daily show, or Colbert Report.

For one month, I will eschew spending one minute following the events of a world steadfastly marching into oblivion. I seriously can’t deal with seeing any more dead children, bombed cities, or fatuous, political smiles.

I will exist as a totally clueless American buffoon, for four full weeks, during which I will play video games (Oblivion- here I come!), read crappy science fiction novels, and, for once and goddamned all, quit smoking. (Which, by the way, is of special import- I chain-smoke, when I’m updating this site, and quite frankly, I can feel it killing me. Every breath is painful, and I can (seriously) feel the tumors growing within my chest.. my health is more important than running this site, and maybe once I’ve kicked this habit, I can address the concerns of the day, without killing myself, slowly.)

If, at the end of this month, Bushflash traffic drops to 100 hits a day, well- then it’s 100 more than I got, when I started this whole adventure.

And I know you guys can keep the flame alive, while I’m away- you’re all champions- every last one. You give me hope…

Don’t let me down…

This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 5th, 2011 at 4:39 pm and is filed under News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the feed. You can trackback from your own site.